2025.12.14 | The Heirlooms of Hurt

In my family, grudges are often treated like heirlooms. They are passed down, protected, and kept alive for years, defining boundaries and repeating the patterns of past generations. When a family member hurts you deeply, and when that hurt touches something chronic or generational, the first instinct is to do whatever is necessary to achieve peace. For me, that meant distance.

I have been keeping a specific family member at arm’s length for years. My decision was rooted in self-preservation: I had to guard my mental health, my energy, and the peace in my own home. My quiet reasoning was, If I keep them distant, they can’t hurt me, and I can have peace.

But Pastor Jeff’s message on Matthew 18:21–35 confronted my strategy directly. The command isn't to create distance; it's to grant forgiveness. When he said, "Unforgiveness is spiritual poison that you drink yourself," I realized my self-imposed distance wasn't protecting me at all… it was just managing the symptoms while I continued to drink the bitter cup of a refusal to truly forgive.

The Lie of Self-Protection

I had fallen into the unforgiving servant's trap: I couldn't see the tiny debt (their repeated slights, their harsh words) because the shadow of the $2 Billion debt Christ forgave me was too far from my mind.

My refusal to forgive was a profound misunderstanding of the Gospel. It said: "My peace is more valuable than my obedience, and my hurt is greater than Christ's payment."
The sermon showed me that my distance, intended to be a fence of protection, was actually a prison wall built around my own heart. The thorns of bitterness were not impacting the family member; they were only impacting me, making me rigid, defensive, and unable to fully receive the peace Christ offers.

Forgiveness as a New Inheritance

Forgiveness in this context is not a feeling, nor is it the immediate removal of all consequences. It is a costly, willful choice, a spiritual transaction that releases the debt.

The process demands humility. First, I had to acknowledge the real, deep hurt they caused, instead of minimizing it or running from it. Only then could I commit to absorbing the cost, making the conscious decision to not let them be accountable to me for this anymore, because Christ had already paid the ultimate price for all sin. And finally, I realized that while restoration might take years and healthy physical boundaries remain, I must be ready to assist in change by committing to pray for them and long for their repentance.

By choosing to forgive from the heart, I am not denying the hurt. I am choosing to break the cycle of generational bitterness and claim a new inheritance: the peace that comes from obedience. That peace is secure because it rests on the finished work of the Cross, not on the changeable behavior of my family member.

I am learning that true peace isn't found by keeping people out; it is found in the costly act of letting go.

To hear Pastor Jeff’s complete message on the necessity and cost of forgiveness in your life, you can watch the full sermon on YouTube here: