2026.05.17 | I Keep Running Into This Question, and I'm Running Out of Reasons to Ignore It.

I’ve spent most of my thirties building a life that is pretty much entirely on my own terms. I’ve got the career track, the gym routine, and a weekend schedule that belongs to nobody but me. For a long time, I viewed "faith" as something for people who needed a crutch or a social club, and I didn't think I qualified for either.

But a guy I work with, someone who is actually grounded and doesn't have a "preachy" bone in his body, kept mentioning this place. Eventually, I showed up just to see what the deal was. I expected to feel like an outsider looking into a museum. Instead, I feel like I’ve walked into an interrogation room where I’m the one being asked the questions.

Before I started showing up here, I had a very specific, very safe version of Jesus in my head. He was a historical figure who said some profound things about being kind to your neighbor. He was the "Life Coach" Jesus. He was someone I could reference when I wanted to feel a bit more ethical, but he didn't actually have any say over how I spent my Tuesday nights or my bank account.

I realized recently that I’ve been treating Jesus like a character in a movie rather than a person with authority. I took the parts of his "brand" that I liked and ignored anything that felt too demanding. It was a DIY religion. I was basically worshiping a version of myself that wore sandals and lived in the first century.

But the more I actually look at the accounts of his life, the more I see that the people who met him were rarely "comforted" in the way I want to be. They were usually shocked, offended, or completely undone. He didn't come to be a mascot for my lifestyle.

In my world, commitment is a heavy word. I like having an exit strategy for everything. I thought I could treat Christianity like a podcast: I’d listen when I found it interesting and hit "pause" when it got too real. I wanted to stay in this safe, neutral zone where I was "exploring" without ever having to make a call.

But I’m starting to see that "undecided" is actually a decision. If someone claims to be the architect of the entire universe, you can't really just give them a three-star review and move on. There is no middle ground. If he is who he says he is, then everything in my life has to shift. If he isn't, then the whole thing is a waste of time.

The ancient writings I’ve been reading lately don't help my case for staying neutral. Long before Jesus was born, writers were describing a coming figure who wouldn't just be a good teacher or a political rebel, but someone whose authority was so absolute it defied explanation.

I’m still the guy who sits near the door. I’m still checking the fine print. I have a lot of questions about how a guy in his thirties, living in a modern world, is supposed to reconcile all of this with his everyday reality.

But I’m done with the "costume" version of Jesus. I’m tired of the safe, domesticated version that never asks anything of me. I’m realizing that if I’m going to be honest with myself, I have to stop treating this like an intellectual hobby.

I don't have it all figured out, and I’m definitely not "churchy" yet. But for the first time in a decade, I’m actually looking for the real version of the truth, even if it means losing control of the narrative I’ve built for myself.

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